Royal Mail: kisses through the post from Moya the Destroyer

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Chief looks to revive group’s fortunes with heartfelt letter-writing campaign


We envisage Royal Mail boss Moya Greene launching a campaign to revive the declining habit of letter writing:

“Dear Mr Investor, You own 0.0001 per cent of my company’s stock. So I’m sure you’ll be as pumped as I am that full-year operating profits after transformation costs leapt 5 per cent to £595m. I’m smiling warmly at you! – Moya
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“Dear Ms Greene, It was a lovely surprise to get a hand-written letter instead of an email. I feel privileged. I hope you won’t consider me impertinent in asking whether you can see a time when there won’t be restructuring costs? — Hugo Baleful, Downbeat Investments, EC2

“Dear Mr B, Confession: I’m writing individually to everyone in the UK. I figure if I burn the night oil doing this for five years, I can make a dent in the 4-6 per cent annual drop in letter deliveries. If I was some kinda Grumpy Griselda I’d be ticked off with your question about transformation costs. But I’m a blonde Canadian force of nature! So I don’t! – M

“Dear Moya, Thank you for the parcel. I gave the poetry book to my wife. I’m more of a Patrick O’Brian man. Confession: during pilot fishing for your 2013 IPO I argued competitive pressure from the likes of Whistl made any price above 330p per share toppy. Wish I hadn’t panicked and sold my ‘keystone’ stake when Vince Cable said the post-float pop was ‘froth’. — Hugo

“Hey Huggy! Who’s Vince Cable? And who’s Whistl? Just kidding. I wish those guys well in defeat. I’m now sending parcels to everyone in the UK, via RM not Amazon. Jeff Bezos is rolling out UK distribution but doesn’t expect any profits. Good job I can go on paring costs for a few more years. By working closely with partners in the unions, of course – x M

“Dear Moya ‘The Destroyer’ (just my little joke), I have placed a small buy order. Against my better judgment, as I consider RM ex-growth. But you’ve worn me down – Huggy

“Way to go, Hugster! With the Tories properly in power, I’m writing to Osborne, asking if I can dump the universal service obligation. He let me dump the pension liabilities, so why not? – xx M

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